Tidying up

I couldn’t do it for years, gather so much energy to put the biggest room in my house in order. As we have no wardrobes or drawers (yet!) all our things are in boxes, and papers and magazines are usually piled up all around the room. It took me a week, each day a few hours, to sort everything, gather together and put it into boxes. I am sure that nobody will read all those magazines that gathered over the years again. Thousands of recipes which I will never use. Clothes that I will never wear again. So much trash of all sorts. I was pleased but also sad to browse through the old photos when life was still good and happy and promising, but I also found my diary from May 2003 when I was going through the hardest time of my life. So shocking to read all that.

I also found a photo of myself with Kiki, a cat I used to have when I lived in Kranjska Gora. Tears started to run down my cheeks when I remembered her. The last time I saw her, years after I moved away from there, she had five little kittens which all looked just like her, and she jumped into my lap just like in the old days when I called her. B kept telling me, when we were in contact, that she was fine. I doubt that she’s still alive; she would be 11 years old now. Heartbreaking, really.

I am glad that all that cleaning is after me. It seemed like a life project. My mom was always judging me because of the mess in that room but I couldn’t help it, it felt like if the room was cursed; I couldn’t move a thing in there over five years. Maybe it is time for a new life, maybe that’s why I could finally do it. It is a great relief; and I knew all these years that it would be.