Thursday, March 27, 2008

Past & Present

Our deeds still travel with us from afar,
and what we have been makes us what we are.
George Eliot, Middlemarch

I went to a lecture yesterday in the evening to the Botanical Gardens. The lecturer was Mr Tone Wraber, one of the best botanists in Slovenia ever. Sitting in the last row, because the room was crowded and I came late, I had tears in my eyes listening to his words. I wished I could have been his student.

I am an economist by profession but I wish I was all but that. It was my father's wish, and not only that, almost a command, that I study Economics. All right, I did. And I am the worst economist in the world. I am sure that you could have guessed this by yourself by now, reading my blog. While eating our Easter breakfast on Sunday we talked about what we would like to be. My brother would be a lawyer, my mum could not decide but it would be something to do with the flowers, my dad would be an economist (what else!), and funny, my list was the longest one. I would study Geography or Biology or Pedagogics. What is sad is that my dad looks at the study/profession from the financial side. I don't. I know that if you really like doing something, money is never a problem.

Yesterday I knew: if I had a teacher like Mr Wraber, I would have been one of those rare botanists who live for that. I was not as lucky as he was, having his father for a mentor from the very beginning of his life. I have so many interests that I will never be really good at any of them. And I still don't know what I would like doing as my job. I know that I will have to find myself something else to do because I am not really satisfied doing what I do right now. But what would it be?

So, looking back at my life I know that I would have changed many things. Deeds from the past follow me all along my present life. I just wonder why I am so lazy and not change the way I live because I know that in 10 years I will regret living the way I do right now. I am day dreaming too much because this is the most simple way to live someone's life. I suppose I should read Illusions by Richard Bach more often...

2 comments: said...

I guess we all succumb to the pressures of our parents in more ways than we'd like to admit. And when we do feel strong enough to go our own way, that path is inevitably littered with guilt or regret in varying amounts. We are just so human.

13mimosa said...

I actually don't regret my past choices, I think a lot about some of the decisions I've made, but I actually (despite really thinking about most things too much) feel comfortable with the decisions I've made and that they were right. I'm quite instinctive, I don't debate my decisions long, I just know if things are right or wrong for me.

I do wish I was more motivated to change my now and my from here forward. I am lazy, I dream too much and my action comes too slowly. I don't believe in myself as much as I should and sometimes I blame others for that. I feel if my husband encouraged me more I would achieve more, but that's not really fair is it - is anyone really responsible for my decisions but me?