Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Beaten by life

When life hit me for the first time, I said: »It happens.« When it came upon me for the second time, I asked: »Why?« The third blow came from a different corner, quite unsuspected. I said: »This is a result of my previous actions, of my previous life, this is what I brought upon myself by being who I was.« I was struggling hard to survive the pain that blow had brought with it. Then life suddenly seemed to be getting back on tracks; and then came one more slap, directly into my face. I screamed: »What have I done to deserve this?«

All this happened in less than two years. I stand here, waiting for more blows to come. I fear the future, but I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I hadn't at least tried to do what I did, and what I am still going to do. Though I think that in one year's time luck will knock on my door and I am sure that by the next autumn things will find their place in my life. And all will be good again. I am looking forward to 2010, because last two years have been the worst years of my whole life.

When I was a little girl, my dad often spanked me because I was stubborn. I tell you, never spank or beat a child for being stubborn, because it doesn't help. What I really needed was comfort and love, and exactly this I kept searching for my whole life. Instead of being a fully grown up person at twenty, I was still a little girl, searching for love, most of the time at a wrong place. And I was still stubborn. Spanking didn't help, what changed me were all those blows by life that I was writing about at the beginning of this post. I became humble, quiet and friendly. I try to do good things in life, avoiding my own ego to come out. I say yes when I feel that I would rather sit in an armchair reading a book; and I go out instead of staying at home. I think before I say something bad in anger because I know that eventually truth will find its way. It is still a long way to go, but I really think that I don't deserve such blows again. I ask for mercy.

So, that's why there has been no word from me for such a long time. I was resting at home, wishing I could clean up the house, plant the flowers, go out, or at least surf the Internet. I haven't taken any photos all this time, but nevertheless, I think that you can await some nice and happy posts in the future. Right here. Because life is still beautiful, as well as is this day. Though, I admit, I haven't got any vital spirits left.

But, I am still a little stubborn, don't you think so? :)


Feronia said...

Good to see you back online, Pina. Missed you :) I can relate to a lot of what you say, of the impact that our upbringing has on the sorts of adults we become and how, as adults, we have to go about untangling a lot of the constraints and behaviours which have been tied around us.

Always though, somehow, it's still a beautiful day.

Hugs :)

Pina said...

Thanks, Emily! :)

Kari said...

I've been thinking about you. Hope you see happy times very soon!

Anonymous said...

Well I just know you can never give up, and you have to believe in the light within yourself. And know that you are right.

Pina said...

Thank you all, for supportive words, they mean a lot to me!

paperseed said...

I'm sorry. I hope for better things for you soon, too.