Beaten by life

When life hit me for the first time, I said: »It happens.« When it came upon me for the second time, I asked: »Why?« The third blow came from a different corner, quite unsuspected. I said: »This is a result of my previous actions, of my previous life, this is what I brought upon myself by being who I was.« I was struggling hard to survive the pain that blow had brought with it. Then life suddenly seemed to be getting back on tracks; and then came one more slap, directly into my face. I screamed: »What have I done to deserve this?«

All this happened in less than two years. I stand here, waiting for more blows to come. I fear the future, but I know that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I hadn't at least tried to do what I did, and what I am still going to do. Though I think that in one year's time luck will knock on my door and I am sure that by the next autumn things will find their place in my life. And all will be good again. I am looking forward to 2010, because last two years have been the worst years of my whole life.

When I was a little girl, my dad often spanked me because I was stubborn. I tell you, never spank or beat a child for being stubborn, because it doesn't help. What I really needed was comfort and love, and exactly this I kept searching for my whole life. Instead of being a fully grown up person at twenty, I was still a little girl, searching for love, most of the time at a wrong place. And I was still stubborn. Spanking didn't help, what changed me were all those blows by life that I was writing about at the beginning of this post. I became humble, quiet and friendly. I try to do good things in life, avoiding my own ego to come out. I say yes when I feel that I would rather sit in an armchair reading a book; and I go out instead of staying at home. I think before I say something bad in anger because I know that eventually truth will find its way. It is still a long way to go, but I really think that I don't deserve such blows again. I ask for mercy.

So, that's why there has been no word from me for such a long time. I was resting at home, wishing I could clean up the house, plant the flowers, go out, or at least surf the Internet. I haven't taken any photos all this time, but nevertheless, I think that you can await some nice and happy posts in the future. Right here. Because life is still beautiful, as well as is this day. Though, I admit, I haven't got any vital spirits left.

But, I am still a little stubborn, don't you think so? :)